Rural Enhanced Interrogation Techniques

Tell us what we need to know or we will. . . .

1.  Make you milk the cow. His name is Killer.  Killer likes very cold hands.

2.  Make you pick cotton by hand. (50 acres should do it).  You have until sundown.  I’d get started.

3.  Make you plow 1 acre with this pocket knife. Break that knife and I’ll make you milk Killer again.

4.  Give you a bite of Mrs. Wheatly’s chocolate coconut balls and then make you watch me eat the rest of them. You can have another bite if you just tell us what we need to know.

5.  Make you listen to my rendition of every John Denver song ever written. Two or three times through “Country Boy” ought to loosen your lips up.

6.  Make you ride Jack.  Jack has been ridden exactly 0 times. We are fairly sure that Jack is the only horse in the world that has been diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic.  He has issues.  Hey, if you even make it up on Jack’s back I’ll give you a chocolate coconut ball.

7. Make you dig our new well. Now, where is that pocket knife I gave you?  I’m kidding. . . here’s a spoon.

8.  Make you participate in our annual “Car Crash Derby”. Here is the key to my old motorcycle.  Have fun!

9.  Make you go Snipe Hunting. Don’t come back without a snipe or we will make you plow another acre.

10. Put a table outside your cell filled with fried Chicken,  green beans, sweet corn, mashed Potatoes, sweet tea and Pecan Pie! Here is a pen and paper.  I need the names and addresses of 5 of your buddies.  When you start writing you can start eating.

Published in: on May 22, 2009 at 3:03 am  Comments Off on Rural Enhanced Interrogation Techniques  
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